All my life I have tried not to get in the way of other people. To be nice, polite, because I believe that there is nothing to be achieved by ruining another person’s day. Ah you may scoff, but those who are close to me know I am nice to service staff, taxi drivers, and strangers in general. I am even nice to telemarketers, unless they start the call off by saying ‘oh miss you have been selected as a very valued customer for this special offer’. I do not tolerate lying or insults to my intelligence.

It’s another story if you are a friend, coz then you get the full brunt of my criticism of others (oops). But the moral code of YC dictates that since you are removed from the party in question, the criticism will never get back to them -> never hurt them -> my karma is intact.

Fine it’s a little warped.

But I am the person who would just drink the chai latte that was served in place of the caramel macchiato that I ordered, because I don’t want to make a fuss, even though I hate chai lattes. I am the person who would just not eat the chicken that was undercooked, rather than send it back to the kitchen. I am the person who would always say ‘ok’ when people call up to reschedule appointments because ‘another one of their clients needed the timeslot’. I even suffer in silence when the taxi driver switches the air conditioning off/sets it at full blast.

In other words, I am damn hum.

But today something snapped. I’d laundered my bedding a few days ago which was due for collection today. Now the website said that the normal service took 3 working days to process. So I was a little surprised when the girl at the counter said they needed 4 working days (and she manually changed the collection date on the receipt from the 11th to the 12th). But that was still ok. So I went to collect after 6 today. Imagine my angst when the woman at the counter told me it wasn’t done yet and to please come back tomorrow.

Now normally I would have just said ok and leave disappointed. I might gripe about it to whoever has the misfortune to be there.

But.

I had been sleeping without a duvet for the past few days.

It gets fucking cold at night and I keep waking up freezing.

I was sleep deprived and very very annoyed.

So I kicked up a fuss. I asked her what did she mean by that. How can it not be ready. What do you mean it was the Haji holidays the Haji holiday was the day BEFORE I sent my bloody laundry in! YOUR WEBSITE SAYS 3 WORKING DAYS!!!!!!!!

In the end she called the laundry room (or whatever those people are called) and made them deliver by 8.30pm tonight.

So now from my toasty duvet-covered bed I can’t help but wonder… is there no point in being nice? Is being nasty more effective? Is this the way of the world?

Go figure.

In any case I have decided to stop being nice. Imagine how much more I could have achieved if I had just screamed at people every time they got things wrong. From now on, I shall exercise my rights.

Look at it this way, I’m saving their karma because by getting it wrong they have bad karma anyway so by giving them the chance to make it right I’m doing them a service therefore good karma for me too. Win-win.

Feeling kind of frantic about turning 28 – probably stemming from the realisation that i have not, in 28 years of life, achieved anything remotely meaningful, or acquired anything that has a semblance of permanence. As it is, i am still renting a place, in a job that i constantly think about leaving, with no responsibilities, no obligations. Not that it isn’t a good thing – responsibilities can be the anchor that drags you to the bottom of the sea. yet it’s almost as if i need some sort of chain to the ground to be convinced that i need to be here, that there is a reason to not just drift away into the clouds because they look so fluffy and wispy and white.

in the past month i have reassessed my life and found it to be lacking, though lacking in what i can’t say. and therein lies the dilemma – if i don’t know what is missing, how do i go about looking for it?

but I wanna know more!!! what happened to the girls? were they expelled, were they not?? the papers seem to think so, but the school is reported to have denied expelling them. it matters to me because it is kinda disturbing that they got expelled when whoever secretly filmed them has gone away unscathed. If anyone should be expelled it should be THAT person, or persons.

yes those two girls were stupid for doing it in the school toilet, but they never asked to be filmed right???? and who did they hurt by their moment of folly?? it seems to me that the person who filmed them has breached a gross invasion of privacy, and really should be persecuted. excuse me, voyeurism/perverseness anyone??? it’s really hard to believe that this was done out of a self-righteous act to expose the two culprits. it was malicious, and harmful, and should not be condoned.

yet fingers are pointed at the two girls, with parents and moral stick-up-their-arses having a field day with it. it’s really saddening that in this day and age, such closed minds still exist.

it really reeks of the Tyler clementi case, which I only know of because I follow Ellen Degeneres on Twitter. he was this 19 year old guy who was filmed by his roommate (ravi something, so ashamed he’s Asian) having an ‘intimate encounter’ with another man in their dorm room. the roommate then proceeded to stream the video live on the Internet. Tyler subsequently committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington bridge.

what makes people like Ravi feel like they have the right to do what they did???? similarly, what made ms sneaky toilet photographer feel like she had the right to do what she did? why would you humiliate another human being like that? is it because they are gay and that makes it ok??? anyone who thinks that is a sorry excuse of a human and really should be locked up on some secluded island with all the other moralists of the world. maybe then you won’t have your senses provoked. Have fun dining with Sarah Palin, the Pope and Nik Aziz.

the whole problem with the world now is that it’s overpopulated, people. crimes happen to humanity and to the environment when people don’t have enough money, education or common sense, yet unfortunately its this group of people who seem to keep reproducing. I say lets curb repopulation. give the gay people a medal for not adding to the earths troubles. who are they hurting by carrying on as they do? you and your sense of morality? then that’s your problem not theirs.

no I’m not saying that everyone should turn gay, but really, give them a break.

but I digress. this may not have been a homophobic act (though the Tyler case was certainly one). maybe the big deal is because there was SEX in the TOILET (why on earth do people do it there anyway, it’s so unhygienic). but my stance on cowardly peeping toms still stands. somebody else better get expelled real soon.

you media journalists, please go do your jobs properly instead of reporting on some temple keeping 15 chickens as pets and disturbing the community lah. really not impressed that you actually analyse how the chickens cross the roads AND FILM THEM DOING IT.

And I’m glad for an excuse to be away for the next few days. It’s just a very strange place and position to be in right now, and I’m tired of this environment.

All I can say is, dude, you’re playing your cards all wrong. The only emotional leverage you will ever have over me is guilt. If you had been good to me, and I liked you, I would have genuinely tried to help you out. But pissing me off just makes me want to see your arse get the good kicking it deserves. So keep it up, really, it makes not caring so much easier.

This whole journey suddenly seems so futile. I’ve kept on for so long thinking that there would be more light at the next step towards the end of the tunnel, but now I’m so close, yet so far, and it seems equally as dark.

One last sigh, and the lockdown begins.

so yeah here I am 5 years later doing the exact same thing, only with a poorer memory and abysmal attention span. if I could kick myself I would. I have missed gatherings, holidays, weddings, all thanks to the rebellious KID in me that thinks hey you want me to study I purposely don’t want neh neh suck eggs you. talk about rebelling without a cause.

and even though I know all the psychoanalysis and how I can break the cycle and make life hell more easier for myself, I still don’t.

ahhhhhh. pray for me people.

yes, it’s not their fault. yes, I should not let my personal feelings overwhelm all rational thought until all I see is a haze of red caused by the steam from my boiling blood.

but… WHYCAN’TYOULEAVEMETHEFUCKALONE????????????

I can’t seem to understand why I have to stay on for so long when I’ve quit – yes I am legally contracted to do so, but now I feel forced. and trapped. and a trapped animal bites. All I want to do is concentrate on my exam, which is already difficult enough as is, without having to wake up early, sit down at a desk for 7 hours, and perform duties which I no longer give a flying fuck about. My rage outbursts have become more frequent, and the dissatisfaction and frustration is growing to a point where I am seriously wondering what I’ve become. I am worried about the new job, the exam, deadlines on the exam.

praying that this is a temporary condition caused by hormonal imbalance due to ombak merah.

if its not, you all are damn screwed lah.

Mr Murakami, my respect for you just dropped one notch.

why can’t newspapers report more on happy/inspirational stuff? every article is about people dying or religious conflicts or pedophiles or natural disasters or political corruption or racial riots.

not that all these aren’t important, but how about giving more airtime to happy events? like people saving or helping people, people of different races celebrating events together, people defying odds to achieve a dream, things that are done right instead?? there MUST be some!! and if they are rare, doesn’t that make them all the more newsworthy?

constantly reporting on the bad stuff = desensitising the public, really. the discord and evil leaves a shallow imprint, and isn’t good for anyone. yes we should be aware, but i can safely say the press is 70% bad news and 20% adverts with only 10% good news. is that a true reflection of society today? is this not also a birds eye view of the world?

why can’t we stop complaining about all that’s wrong, and try to focus on what’s right, with no personal agenda? I have above average (ok fine very high) levels of cynicism and negativity, and even I’m sick of all this shit.

we need to start learning to be happy again.

A: those who put their partner first
B: those who don’t

Its fine if A meets A, or B meets B. Imagine that everyone is encircled by an invisible bubble of love – when you’re an A and you meet another A the love you have for yourself is transferred to your partner, and likewise. So your imaginary-shield-of-happiness is still intact. When both of you are Bs, your original shield is retained.

But when A meets B, cue the sob stories.

Unfortunately, like magnets, opposites attract.

why is it absolutely necessary to build a mosque blocks away from Ground Zero? yes there is freedom of speech and it is within constitutional rights, but can’t you refrain just on grounds of sensitivity?

why choose to retaliate by burning the Quran? it is a slap in the face for Muslims, and equally insensitive.

why then, start burning the American flag? why start all the threats about serious consequences from the Muslim world?

everyone is fighting violence with violence, and this won’t ever end, not until people start actually practicing what they preach. where is the tolerance and love for fellow man?

all I see, are hypocrites.